Hospital Musings

Here we are again back in the hospital.  I never thought in my wildest nightmares that we would be doing this again with Lily.  To make a long story short, last Sunday she began vomiting.  We thought it was a stomach bug, took her to the doctor, got meds, etc.  It got worse.  We took her to the ER and it turned out to be an intestinal blockage as a result of scar tissue forming after her surgery.  It has been repaired and we are once again fortunate to have our same team of doctors taking care of her.  They truly do give her the very best care and take good care of us.  It has been a rollercoaster since we got here.  Once we think she is doing better, she runs a fever, has a high heart rate, or has to be tested for infection.  We get past that hurdle and something else is waiting.  It has been more than I think I can bear sometimes.  I look at her lying there and I wish I could be the one to take her place.  Since I can't, and I am extremely sleep deprived, I do the only thing I know how to do...I write about it.

These are just a few of my observations over the past week back in the hospital:

1) I am getting fat(ter) from all the grilled cheese yumminess I am consuming from the hospital cafeteria in an effort to placate my impending bout of depression.

2) Life flight lands an average of 15 times a day...just above me (that I have counted in boredom.)  That number doubles on the weekends.

3) Lily may have an infection.  I have learned that I may also catch it from changing her diapers and not washing my hands thoroughly.  Positve note?  This may counteract point #1 as it causes severe diarrhea.  Hooray!  I may lose some of that unwanted fat.

4) Days are running together and I no longer know what day it is.  I have to ask.

5) I sleep in a window seat.  Yep, you read that right.  Thankfully I am 5 ft. tall so it all works out okay.

6) I feel helpless most of the time.  I try to comfort Lily, but I can't take away her pain and this makes me both sad and sick.  I can neither cry nor throw up any more because I am numb.

7) If you don't advocate for your child, don't expect anyone else to do the same.  Even if you are not a doctor, you know your child best and owe it to them to speak up when they cannot.

8) Last night, the child down the hall yelled, "aaaaa...help me...leave me alone" until 2 a.m.  There is no sound level of Pandora radio that will cover that noise.

9) There is a dysfunctional sense of community that develops when you have a child in the hospital.  I looked in the mirror today and realized how bad I truly looked.  I ignored it and went downstairs to the cafeteria anyway.  On my way, I ran into another mother who looked the same way.  We shared our stories and I felt semi-normal.

10) Lily is a doll.  Really.  I know other parents feel the same about their kids, but if i was going through what she is, I don't think I'd be as sweet.  I thank God for her.

11) Chloe is with her grandma.  I don't know how I'd handle it if I had to worry about her, as well.  It gives me peace of mind.

12) You can use medical tape to tape your iPhone to the hospital bed and turn it in to a video screen for your child.  If you have a sparkly rhinestone case like mine, have glue handy because some rhinestones will come off.  It's worth it, though, to take away your child's pain for a while.

13) The hospital gift shop sells OPI nail polish.  Score!  (It does not; however, sell alcohol of any kind.  Fail.)

14) The pineapple in the cafeteria tastes like I licked someone's armpit.  (Not that I have actually licked an armpit before, but it tastes like what I'd imagine a nasty armpit might be.)

15) Writing is therapy.

16. I just want her to smile again.