Hospital Musings

Here we are again back in the hospital.  I never thought in my wildest nightmares that we would be doing this again with Lily.  To make a long story short, last Sunday she began vomiting.  We thought it was a stomach bug, took her to the doctor, got meds, etc.  It got worse.  We took her to the ER and it turned out to be an intestinal blockage as a result of scar tissue forming after her surgery.  It has been repaired and we are once again fortunate to have our same team of doctors taking care of her.  They truly do give her the very best care and take good care of us.  It has been a rollercoaster since we got here.  Once we think she is doing better, she runs a fever, has a high heart rate, or has to be tested for infection.  We get past that hurdle and something else is waiting.  It has been more than I think I can bear sometimes.  I look at her lying there and I wish I could be the one to take her place.  Since I can't, and I am extremely sleep deprived, I do the only thing I know how to do...I write about it.

These are just a few of my observations over the past week back in the hospital:

1) I am getting fat(ter) from all the grilled cheese yumminess I am consuming from the hospital cafeteria in an effort to placate my impending bout of depression.

2) Life flight lands an average of 15 times a day...just above me (that I have counted in boredom.)  That number doubles on the weekends.

3) Lily may have an infection.  I have learned that I may also catch it from changing her diapers and not washing my hands thoroughly.  Positve note?  This may counteract point #1 as it causes severe diarrhea.  Hooray!  I may lose some of that unwanted fat.

4) Days are running together and I no longer know what day it is.  I have to ask.

5) I sleep in a window seat.  Yep, you read that right.  Thankfully I am 5 ft. tall so it all works out okay.

6) I feel helpless most of the time.  I try to comfort Lily, but I can't take away her pain and this makes me both sad and sick.  I can neither cry nor throw up any more because I am numb.

7) If you don't advocate for your child, don't expect anyone else to do the same.  Even if you are not a doctor, you know your child best and owe it to them to speak up when they cannot.

8) Last night, the child down the hall yelled, "aaaaa...help me...leave me alone" until 2 a.m.  There is no sound level of Pandora radio that will cover that noise.

9) There is a dysfunctional sense of community that develops when you have a child in the hospital.  I looked in the mirror today and realized how bad I truly looked.  I ignored it and went downstairs to the cafeteria anyway.  On my way, I ran into another mother who looked the same way.  We shared our stories and I felt semi-normal.

10) Lily is a doll.  Really.  I know other parents feel the same about their kids, but if i was going through what she is, I don't think I'd be as sweet.  I thank God for her.

11) Chloe is with her grandma.  I don't know how I'd handle it if I had to worry about her, as well.  It gives me peace of mind.

12) You can use medical tape to tape your iPhone to the hospital bed and turn it in to a video screen for your child.  If you have a sparkly rhinestone case like mine, have glue handy because some rhinestones will come off.  It's worth it, though, to take away your child's pain for a while.

13) The hospital gift shop sells OPI nail polish.  Score!  (It does not; however, sell alcohol of any kind.  Fail.)

14) The pineapple in the cafeteria tastes like I licked someone's armpit.  (Not that I have actually licked an armpit before, but it tastes like what I'd imagine a nasty armpit might be.)

15) Writing is therapy.

16. I just want her to smile again.

Christmas Blessings

Christmas is just two days away and I can't believe these months went by so fast.  I don't get to post as often as I'd like because at 10 months, the girls are tag-teaming me more than they used to.  They are crawling everywhere (in two different directions) and pulling up on everything.  They love to walk with anyone who will hold both their hands and help them and they giggle...a lot!

Chloe can't stop giggling!

We've met Santa twice.  Once at their friend Cosette's birthday and then the next weekend when Santa happened to stop by at the rec center across from our house.  They handled it well both times, as you can see:

Santa even read "Twas the Night Before Christmas" to all the children and both girls listened intently.  This is Lily totally focused on Santa.

We also took the girls to the Houston Symphony.  It was wonderful.  They loved the music, the reading, and the sing-a-long with Santa. 

This year has brought so many changes in our lives.  It's been hard because we can no longer just run out and meet friends like we used to.  We were previously involved in theatre, but can't either do or see much of it anymore.  I hope people know that we still care about them and have them in our hearts, even though our lives now involve most weekends spent home as a family.  It's funny.  I thought I'd miss it, but I don't.  What we've gained this year is a family.  Our love and faith is stronger now than ever.  These two precious girls were brought to us and I don't want to miss a day of their lives.  I love watching them grow and change and love seeing their personalities emerge. 

It is my true hope that we will be role models to them and will raise them in a loving family environment.  I hope to encourage them to have a healthy self esteem and self worth and to show kindness to others.  That's one thing my mom always encouraged-kindness to others.  I get hurt sometimes, but I always try to look for the good in others and never rush to judgment, no matter what the case may be.  I want my girls to be the same way  I hope they look out for each other and are each others best friend and always look for the good in each person they meet.

And they're off!!!

I thank all of you who read this blog.  I don't get to write as much as I'd like, but I hope that my words will help someone one day who is the parent of twins, is adopting, has a preemie and has to deal with the NICU, or just simply offer some words of encouragement.  We have been blessed by incredible family and friends who support us.  I can send out a message needing words of advice and three people will answer me right away.  That gift of friendship is the greatest gift anyone could give us.  Christmas blessings to all of you who lift us up and give us strength.  May you be blessed this season and in the upcoming year, as well.  2012...here we come!

Brice, Nicole, Lily, and Chloe

Forever

Today all that we had been dreaming of became a reality.  We finalized our adoption in court and our two precious babies became ours forever.  I'll admit, I have been really on edge lately leading up to this.  So many people have told me that this was meant to be, but I have still always had that nagging voice in the back of my head telling me something could go wrong.  I don't know whether I have just waited so long for this moment that I was preparing myself in case I had to face disappointment, but that never happened.  We walked into the courtroom and within 20 minutes they were ours.  That quick.  I didn't even have time to cry...okay that's not true.  Since I'm totally honest with all of you who read this I'll tell you the truth.  When the attorney said to me, "You do understand this decision is forever?" I could barely speak.  I was choking back tears.  I wanted to remain so composed in the courtroom, but this warm wash of emotion covered me like a blanket and it was as if I was replaying the last nine months like a movie in my head.  Here I am holding this precious baby and someone is validating for me that this really is forever.

Forever, like no one can take them away, forever, like even though the ups and downs in our past and in our future, this still is forever and cannot be changed.  It is both overwhelming and life changing.  This has been both the most difficult and most rewarding nine months of my life and although I doubt I will ever want to go through the adoption process again, I would wholeheartedly encourage anyone who has the desire to be a parent to consider adoption.  I truly never saw myself in this place, but life is a mysterious, beautiful thing and we never know what is waiting for us around the corner.  I know in my heart that this was God's plan for us all along.  He chose these two beautiful children to be a part of our lives and the neat thing is, I believe he chose them for many of you who are reading this, as well.  I laughed with someone the other day that Lily and Chloe live with us, but are being raised by a village.  Not only do they have grandparents, they probably have the largest supply of "aunts and uncles" that I know. 

And that is where you, my dear friends, come in.  You have made this possible just by being there for us.  To those who turned our house upside down to create a beautiful shower for us after the girls were born, to those who actually drove to Beaumont to be with us in the NICU, and those who have just stopped by to say hello, it has truly meant more than you'll ever know.

Many blessings to each of you!

Love always, Nicole, Brice, Lily, and Chloe

Three's Company

This short post is for my friend Holly.  Recently, Holly hosted a get-together at her house for all the families who adopted around the same time.  Somehow, our girls really hit it off with her son, Jack.  These are just two of the "three's company" photos that were taken at that party.  It appears he was particularly smitten with Chloe!

How Mary Poppins Changed My Life

Okay, not entirely, but my last post was in July so it's taken me this long to get my act together again.  I'm back at work now and I love my job!  My school is so much fun and I am really enjoying not having to deal with counting credits and the high level stressful situations that come with being a high school counselor.  Yesterday, the most serious situation I dealt with was two girls fighting over a purple hair band.  (Yes, you read that right.)  Everyone worked it out, apologized, and left as friends. 

Lily and Chloe are eight months old now.  I can't believe it.  We're already planning Halloween (they will be fairies) and booking our Christmas photo shoot with the same photographer who did our engagement photos, Al Torres.  We just love Al.  He is so creative and I know he'll come up with something cool to do with these two.

Yes, that's Chloe on the left and Lily on the right.  It's hard to tell them apart sometimes!  They're now eating cereal and some Gerber meals along with their milk and are getting really close to crawling.  I just know any day they're going to take off and can't wait for that moment, but then I realize they will probably be going in two different directions.

Mary Poppins came into our life in the form of our nanny named Lea.  We took the girls out of daycare because there were too many babies in that room for only two teachers.  The ratio was 4:1 and I know how hard it is to just take care of the girls alone.  We took several weeks to interview nannies, both away from our home and then for final working interviews in our home.  Lea really stood out.  She was calm with them, smiled and laughed a lot, and came with 15 years of experience.  Plus, Sunnie, our dog, LOVES her which is a plus and she loves Sunnie.  Now when I come home from work, the girls have been fed, bathed, and are happy.  My living room and kitchen are clean, the girls clothes have all been washed and magically put away, and I have so much peace of mind.  I cannot imagine what we would do without her.  She is teaching the girls French, does English flash cards, plays with them, takes them on daily walks to feed the ducks at the lake, and does art projects with them.  It's truly amazing.

One of their favorite times of the day is story time just before bedtime.  Brice and I take turns reading with them, although lately, they have also enjoyed grabbing and chewing on the books, as well.  I think we're teething.

Lily has really filled out.  She is the same size as her sister.  You almost would not recognize her if you look back on previous pictures.  She laughs a lot and is really into music.  I think we're getting her a kids piano for Christmas.

I have to take a minute and talk about this friendship that has developed between Chloe and Sunnie.  Lily loves Sunnie, too, but I have never quite seen anything like this.  Sunnie truly takes care of the girls.  If they are crying she will lie down next to them and calm them.  She always sits near them when they are playing to watch over them.  When Chloe sees Sunnie for the first time in the morning she giggles so loudly her whole body shakes.  We are so fortunate to have found such a special dog at the SPCA.

The most wonderful thing to me is to watch these girls become friends.  Every morning when they wake up, we do a diaper change and put them together in Lily's crib.  They hang out, play, and giggle while we make their breakfast.  My friend Lisa told me that she had a similar experience with her twin girls.  She said she'd hear them babbling together on the monitor and it has already started with us.  It's so much fun to watch them grow and see them develop their friendship.  I don't know if they understand that they are sisters, but they continue to amaze me every day.









How Nicole Got Her Groove Back

First of all, I want to thank all of you who are following this blog.  This truly has been a life-changing experience and I've learned so much since February.  For a while now, I've felt that I was swimming upstream and getting nowhere.  Now, with the help of very supportive friends and family, I think we are all getting into a groove here.

Lily and Chloe are getting so big!  They go for their six month checkup on Friday.  Lily weighs about 12 pounds and Chloe weighs almost 14 lbs.  One thing that really helped me is a book called Chaos to Calm-the moms-of multiples guide to an organized family.  It may sound totally uptight of me, but I now have a chart for each girl that outlines each feeding, how much they took, when they used the bathroom, when they nap, play, etc.  I also made a chart of household chores so we can be more effective in getting things done each week.  Just making the charts has given me peace of mind.  Sometimes I'm so tired that it's hard to remember who ate when and how much.  This way I will always be on track.



Lily and Chloe at 5 months-can you tell which is which?

Next week I go back to work and the girls start daycare.  I have gotten some flack over this decision and that has really upset me.  I get tired of the judgmental looks when I say they're going to daycare.  First of all, I have to work.  I cannot stay home.  Even though daycare will cost $1700 per month (yes, you read that number right) I still make more than that and we have to pay our bills.  What about a nanny, you ask?  After much discussion, we felt daycare would be a more social environment.  We want them to be close with each other and I know they will be, but daycare gives them the opportunity to be with other children, as well.  The location we've selected is wonderful.  For $1700 per month, it better be!  The babies all looked very happy when we visited and they have cameras in the room so I can log in from my desk and see how they are doing.  Lily and Chloe are VERY social girls and love meeting new people.  I want to continue to encourage this.  They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder."  I cannot imagine how much fonder my heart can grow for these children, but think it will be healthy for all of us.  I have a wonderful new job to go to and will be two minutes from the girls.  So, does it make me a bad mom that I am looking forward to going back to work? 

Lily Rose

Sometimes I don't write in this blog because I am too concerned with what I am writing, meaning, I think about something to write and then choose not to write.  One thing I have learned since February is something my dad once told me, you don't have time for foolishness.  Before the girls, I was active in several organizations.  During the past few months, I have truly learned who my true friends are and have been terribly hurt by some since then, but on the other hand, there are some people I have re-connected with after several years that turned out to be true friends all along.  I don't have much time for the things I was previously involved in, and that's okay.  My priorities have changed and I've grown as a person.  As it turns out, the things that hurt me so badly were just foolishness, miscommunication, and people blowing things out of proportion for the sake of keeping drama going.  I have learned to not be so naive and trusting and I am now choosing to surround myself with people who are positive, caring individuals.  I have always been extremely open, trusting, and willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, even at the expense of my own feelings.  I want everyone to be happy and try to fix things so people can all get along.  I have learned that I can't always fix things or make everyone happy.  Call me what you will, but I still care about these people I considered my friends and my heart aches for the loss of their friendship.  I pray weekly for those who have hurt me that they will find peace and happiness in their lives and now realize it's no longer about me.  Lily and Chloe are our two precious gifts and they come first. 

So, how did I get my groove back?

1) I am married to the most patient, caring man who is truly my partner.  He is my rock.

2) We have incredibly supportive friends and family

3) I have learned to organize my time more efficiently

4) We have been attending church regularly as a family.  I believe in the power of prayer.

5) I have learned to love and care about those who have hurt me and am able to move past the pain through prayer for their happiness.

6) I WENT SHOPPING!  Okay, maybe that seems a little strange, but my friends Melissa, Jan, and Abby took me shopping last weekend.  It was the first time I'd really been shopping in months and it was mindless, girly fun.  (I even found a pair of totally impractical candy apple red heels discounted to $8.00-woo hoo!)

Many blessings to all of you who read this blog.  If you are reading this, I consider you my friend.  I keep this blog public because it is my true hope that someone will read it one day and be helped by what they read.  No matter how difficult things get:

"Behind all this, some great happiness is hiding."
— Yehuda Amichai

Much love to all, Nic-



You can't bank sleep..and other useless advice...

It's been so long since I've written anything and part of it is because I am majorly sleep deprived.  One of the dumbest pieces of advice several people gave me before the girls came home was "get your sleep now because when they come home you won't get any."  Really?  Believe me, I still tried it and guess what?  It doesn't matter!  I could have hibernated like a bear for months and would have still been as sleep deprived as I am right now.  I'm not even sure if I am forming words correctly, but at least I am making an attempt to write something.  I anticipate that I have a total of maybe fifteen minutes before someone starts making noises and is ready to eat.

Lily Rose

Chloe Marie

I was also told to get the girls on a schedule as early as possible which also went along with the doctor telling me to let them "feed on demand."  As I have determined, these two bits of advice do not go together.  I have tried to get them on a schedule, really, I have, but the thing is that if you are letting them "feed on demand" and then try to make them eat, you're screwed.  For example, I tried to get Chloe to eat the other night to get her to stay on schedule with Lily.  She ate two ounces and promptly fell asleep.  I tickled her, rubbed her feet, and even jiggled her.  She was perfectly content and refused to take any more.  After that, guess what happened?  She was ready to feed again just about an hour later and then it was another two ounces.  This is leading to my gradual insanity.  What I have found that does work is not making her eat and instead waiting until she is really hungry and feeding her then.  Sure, she's not on the exact same schedule as Lily, but it is better than feeding every single hour.  (and I was wondering why I never get anything done.)



How I am maintaining my sanity is because of my friends and family.  You really find out quickly who your true friends are during a life changing experience such as this one.  Brice and I rarely have time to even go to the grocery store these days.   We were attempting to be "extreme couponers" because we saw the show during a late night feeding and decided that was a good idea.  What it resulted in was a bunch of newspapers and cut coupons lying around all over the place.  Some of our friends saw that we had no food in the refrigerator other than formula and maybe stuff for a few sandwiches and brought us a hot meal from time to time.  I have come to appreciate a hot meal.  I'm not picky.  I'm just so grateful to have it.  Our friends have also done our dishes, watched Lily and Chloe for a few hours so we could take a nap or get a few things done, helped us mow our yard, and have even done our laundry.  Brice's mom has been over here more times than I can count and has done all of the above for us and then some.  I just can't believe that these special people would sacrifice their time and energy to help us out.  We will never be able to repay their kindness, but we will certainly try.

Brice rocking both girls in their bassinets



I was talking to my friend Holly who also adopted recently and we have both had the same unique experience.  We have both walked by a mirror holding a baby and had to stop because we were so amazed that there was actually a baby in our arms.  I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember and there are times that I go in our nursery and look at those two precious babies sleeping there and have tears in my eyes.  I cannot believe the selfless, amazing gift that we received.  Lily and Chloe are now smiling..a lot!  When I go in to pick them up for a feeding, they smile and giggle.  My heart just soars and I forget all the sleepless nights.  Then, it is all worth it.