Where did five months go?

At what point did it become June?  It seems like this Spring just flew by and now it's back to blazing hot summer here in the Houston area.  The girls are 16 months old now and are giggling and toddling around everywhere.  They are both healthy and doing well.  A lot of people ask me if they have developed their own language.  I do catch them talking to each other and especially hear it on the baby monitor first thing in the morning.  What it sounds like is "blah blah blah blah...hee hee hee" followed by peals of laughter.  I have no idea what they are talking about, but it makes me laugh every time.  I can never catch them doing this so I probably need to put a camera in their room.  It is an awesome way to wake up, though!

We took them to their first gymnastics class a few weeks ago and that was received about as well as can be expected.  Chloe cried for the first ten minutes and Lily just stood there like a statue.  Toward the end of the class they started to feel comfortable and wanted to play, but then the class was over and it was time to leave.  I think we will wait until they're at least two to enroll them in a program like that.

I finally joined a "parents of multiples" group.  I haven't been to a meeting yet, but I hope it will help me learn how to deal with the unique challenges that come with raising twins.  Because they're getting bigger, it's harder for me to take them out by myself.  I want to get out with them like I see other people do with their children, but it's hard.  I still haven't taken them to normal places like the grocery store, etc.  We do take them to church and then to brunch or dinner sometimes and they do great in public.  They love seeing people and are very social.  I want to gain the confidence to take them out on my own.  Maybe I'll try that this summer when I'm on vacation.

 

Speaking of that, we're taking them on their first plane ride when we go to Pittsburgh later this summer.  This thought gives us great anxiety.  I know people take kids on a plane every day, but honestly, I've never been the one with the kid so I usually just ignore it.  I've read lots of articles about traveling with kids, but I guess it's kind of like fear of the unknown.  I don't know how they'll handle it.  I have a plan, we have cool gear, but none of that could matter once we get going.  I'm open to suggestions!  (Although, just so you know, I don't plan to medicate them to get them to sleep on the plane, as someone suggested to me.)

I'm not sure what is so much fun about playing in a bucket, but they both seem to love it!

I guess the other thing on my mind is how much life has changed in the past 16 months.  I think I've mentioned that before (about a million times,) but to my friends reading this, I want you to know I haven't forgotten about you.  I have missed events, many plays my friends have been in, parties for people, dinners out, etc.  I just haven't figured out how to balance it all yet and the funny thing is, when those little arms reach out for me, want a hug, and even push each other out of the way to sit on my lap, I can't imagine being anywhere else but where I am at that very moment.  I just want to sit there and hold them because I look back at pictures from just a few months ago and I realize how fast they've grown.  In the words of Ferris Bueller, "Life moves pretty fast.  If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." 

Hospital Musings

Here we are again back in the hospital.  I never thought in my wildest nightmares that we would be doing this again with Lily.  To make a long story short, last Sunday she began vomiting.  We thought it was a stomach bug, took her to the doctor, got meds, etc.  It got worse.  We took her to the ER and it turned out to be an intestinal blockage as a result of scar tissue forming after her surgery.  It has been repaired and we are once again fortunate to have our same team of doctors taking care of her.  They truly do give her the very best care and take good care of us.  It has been a rollercoaster since we got here.  Once we think she is doing better, she runs a fever, has a high heart rate, or has to be tested for infection.  We get past that hurdle and something else is waiting.  It has been more than I think I can bear sometimes.  I look at her lying there and I wish I could be the one to take her place.  Since I can't, and I am extremely sleep deprived, I do the only thing I know how to do...I write about it.

These are just a few of my observations over the past week back in the hospital:

1) I am getting fat(ter) from all the grilled cheese yumminess I am consuming from the hospital cafeteria in an effort to placate my impending bout of depression.

2) Life flight lands an average of 15 times a day...just above me (that I have counted in boredom.)  That number doubles on the weekends.

3) Lily may have an infection.  I have learned that I may also catch it from changing her diapers and not washing my hands thoroughly.  Positve note?  This may counteract point #1 as it causes severe diarrhea.  Hooray!  I may lose some of that unwanted fat.

4) Days are running together and I no longer know what day it is.  I have to ask.

5) I sleep in a window seat.  Yep, you read that right.  Thankfully I am 5 ft. tall so it all works out okay.

6) I feel helpless most of the time.  I try to comfort Lily, but I can't take away her pain and this makes me both sad and sick.  I can neither cry nor throw up any more because I am numb.

7) If you don't advocate for your child, don't expect anyone else to do the same.  Even if you are not a doctor, you know your child best and owe it to them to speak up when they cannot.

8) Last night, the child down the hall yelled, "aaaaa...help me...leave me alone" until 2 a.m.  There is no sound level of Pandora radio that will cover that noise.

9) There is a dysfunctional sense of community that develops when you have a child in the hospital.  I looked in the mirror today and realized how bad I truly looked.  I ignored it and went downstairs to the cafeteria anyway.  On my way, I ran into another mother who looked the same way.  We shared our stories and I felt semi-normal.

10) Lily is a doll.  Really.  I know other parents feel the same about their kids, but if i was going through what she is, I don't think I'd be as sweet.  I thank God for her.

11) Chloe is with her grandma.  I don't know how I'd handle it if I had to worry about her, as well.  It gives me peace of mind.

12) You can use medical tape to tape your iPhone to the hospital bed and turn it in to a video screen for your child.  If you have a sparkly rhinestone case like mine, have glue handy because some rhinestones will come off.  It's worth it, though, to take away your child's pain for a while.

13) The hospital gift shop sells OPI nail polish.  Score!  (It does not; however, sell alcohol of any kind.  Fail.)

14) The pineapple in the cafeteria tastes like I licked someone's armpit.  (Not that I have actually licked an armpit before, but it tastes like what I'd imagine a nasty armpit might be.)

15) Writing is therapy.

16. I just want her to smile again.

Christmas Blessings

Christmas is just two days away and I can't believe these months went by so fast.  I don't get to post as often as I'd like because at 10 months, the girls are tag-teaming me more than they used to.  They are crawling everywhere (in two different directions) and pulling up on everything.  They love to walk with anyone who will hold both their hands and help them and they giggle...a lot!

Chloe can't stop giggling!

We've met Santa twice.  Once at their friend Cosette's birthday and then the next weekend when Santa happened to stop by at the rec center across from our house.  They handled it well both times, as you can see:

Santa even read "Twas the Night Before Christmas" to all the children and both girls listened intently.  This is Lily totally focused on Santa.

We also took the girls to the Houston Symphony.  It was wonderful.  They loved the music, the reading, and the sing-a-long with Santa. 

This year has brought so many changes in our lives.  It's been hard because we can no longer just run out and meet friends like we used to.  We were previously involved in theatre, but can't either do or see much of it anymore.  I hope people know that we still care about them and have them in our hearts, even though our lives now involve most weekends spent home as a family.  It's funny.  I thought I'd miss it, but I don't.  What we've gained this year is a family.  Our love and faith is stronger now than ever.  These two precious girls were brought to us and I don't want to miss a day of their lives.  I love watching them grow and change and love seeing their personalities emerge. 

It is my true hope that we will be role models to them and will raise them in a loving family environment.  I hope to encourage them to have a healthy self esteem and self worth and to show kindness to others.  That's one thing my mom always encouraged-kindness to others.  I get hurt sometimes, but I always try to look for the good in others and never rush to judgment, no matter what the case may be.  I want my girls to be the same way  I hope they look out for each other and are each others best friend and always look for the good in each person they meet.

And they're off!!!

I thank all of you who read this blog.  I don't get to write as much as I'd like, but I hope that my words will help someone one day who is the parent of twins, is adopting, has a preemie and has to deal with the NICU, or just simply offer some words of encouragement.  We have been blessed by incredible family and friends who support us.  I can send out a message needing words of advice and three people will answer me right away.  That gift of friendship is the greatest gift anyone could give us.  Christmas blessings to all of you who lift us up and give us strength.  May you be blessed this season and in the upcoming year, as well.  2012...here we come!

Brice, Nicole, Lily, and Chloe

Forever

Today all that we had been dreaming of became a reality.  We finalized our adoption in court and our two precious babies became ours forever.  I'll admit, I have been really on edge lately leading up to this.  So many people have told me that this was meant to be, but I have still always had that nagging voice in the back of my head telling me something could go wrong.  I don't know whether I have just waited so long for this moment that I was preparing myself in case I had to face disappointment, but that never happened.  We walked into the courtroom and within 20 minutes they were ours.  That quick.  I didn't even have time to cry...okay that's not true.  Since I'm totally honest with all of you who read this I'll tell you the truth.  When the attorney said to me, "You do understand this decision is forever?" I could barely speak.  I was choking back tears.  I wanted to remain so composed in the courtroom, but this warm wash of emotion covered me like a blanket and it was as if I was replaying the last nine months like a movie in my head.  Here I am holding this precious baby and someone is validating for me that this really is forever.

Forever, like no one can take them away, forever, like even though the ups and downs in our past and in our future, this still is forever and cannot be changed.  It is both overwhelming and life changing.  This has been both the most difficult and most rewarding nine months of my life and although I doubt I will ever want to go through the adoption process again, I would wholeheartedly encourage anyone who has the desire to be a parent to consider adoption.  I truly never saw myself in this place, but life is a mysterious, beautiful thing and we never know what is waiting for us around the corner.  I know in my heart that this was God's plan for us all along.  He chose these two beautiful children to be a part of our lives and the neat thing is, I believe he chose them for many of you who are reading this, as well.  I laughed with someone the other day that Lily and Chloe live with us, but are being raised by a village.  Not only do they have grandparents, they probably have the largest supply of "aunts and uncles" that I know. 

And that is where you, my dear friends, come in.  You have made this possible just by being there for us.  To those who turned our house upside down to create a beautiful shower for us after the girls were born, to those who actually drove to Beaumont to be with us in the NICU, and those who have just stopped by to say hello, it has truly meant more than you'll ever know.

Many blessings to each of you!

Love always, Nicole, Brice, Lily, and Chloe

Three's Company

This short post is for my friend Holly.  Recently, Holly hosted a get-together at her house for all the families who adopted around the same time.  Somehow, our girls really hit it off with her son, Jack.  These are just two of the "three's company" photos that were taken at that party.  It appears he was particularly smitten with Chloe!

How Mary Poppins Changed My Life

Okay, not entirely, but my last post was in July so it's taken me this long to get my act together again.  I'm back at work now and I love my job!  My school is so much fun and I am really enjoying not having to deal with counting credits and the high level stressful situations that come with being a high school counselor.  Yesterday, the most serious situation I dealt with was two girls fighting over a purple hair band.  (Yes, you read that right.)  Everyone worked it out, apologized, and left as friends. 

Lily and Chloe are eight months old now.  I can't believe it.  We're already planning Halloween (they will be fairies) and booking our Christmas photo shoot with the same photographer who did our engagement photos, Al Torres.  We just love Al.  He is so creative and I know he'll come up with something cool to do with these two.

Yes, that's Chloe on the left and Lily on the right.  It's hard to tell them apart sometimes!  They're now eating cereal and some Gerber meals along with their milk and are getting really close to crawling.  I just know any day they're going to take off and can't wait for that moment, but then I realize they will probably be going in two different directions.

Mary Poppins came into our life in the form of our nanny named Lea.  We took the girls out of daycare because there were too many babies in that room for only two teachers.  The ratio was 4:1 and I know how hard it is to just take care of the girls alone.  We took several weeks to interview nannies, both away from our home and then for final working interviews in our home.  Lea really stood out.  She was calm with them, smiled and laughed a lot, and came with 15 years of experience.  Plus, Sunnie, our dog, LOVES her which is a plus and she loves Sunnie.  Now when I come home from work, the girls have been fed, bathed, and are happy.  My living room and kitchen are clean, the girls clothes have all been washed and magically put away, and I have so much peace of mind.  I cannot imagine what we would do without her.  She is teaching the girls French, does English flash cards, plays with them, takes them on daily walks to feed the ducks at the lake, and does art projects with them.  It's truly amazing.

One of their favorite times of the day is story time just before bedtime.  Brice and I take turns reading with them, although lately, they have also enjoyed grabbing and chewing on the books, as well.  I think we're teething.

Lily has really filled out.  She is the same size as her sister.  You almost would not recognize her if you look back on previous pictures.  She laughs a lot and is really into music.  I think we're getting her a kids piano for Christmas.

I have to take a minute and talk about this friendship that has developed between Chloe and Sunnie.  Lily loves Sunnie, too, but I have never quite seen anything like this.  Sunnie truly takes care of the girls.  If they are crying she will lie down next to them and calm them.  She always sits near them when they are playing to watch over them.  When Chloe sees Sunnie for the first time in the morning she giggles so loudly her whole body shakes.  We are so fortunate to have found such a special dog at the SPCA.

The most wonderful thing to me is to watch these girls become friends.  Every morning when they wake up, we do a diaper change and put them together in Lily's crib.  They hang out, play, and giggle while we make their breakfast.  My friend Lisa told me that she had a similar experience with her twin girls.  She said she'd hear them babbling together on the monitor and it has already started with us.  It's so much fun to watch them grow and see them develop their friendship.  I don't know if they understand that they are sisters, but they continue to amaze me every day.









How Nicole Got Her Groove Back

First of all, I want to thank all of you who are following this blog.  This truly has been a life-changing experience and I've learned so much since February.  For a while now, I've felt that I was swimming upstream and getting nowhere.  Now, with the help of very supportive friends and family, I think we are all getting into a groove here.

Lily and Chloe are getting so big!  They go for their six month checkup on Friday.  Lily weighs about 12 pounds and Chloe weighs almost 14 lbs.  One thing that really helped me is a book called Chaos to Calm-the moms-of multiples guide to an organized family.  It may sound totally uptight of me, but I now have a chart for each girl that outlines each feeding, how much they took, when they used the bathroom, when they nap, play, etc.  I also made a chart of household chores so we can be more effective in getting things done each week.  Just making the charts has given me peace of mind.  Sometimes I'm so tired that it's hard to remember who ate when and how much.  This way I will always be on track.



Lily and Chloe at 5 months-can you tell which is which?

Next week I go back to work and the girls start daycare.  I have gotten some flack over this decision and that has really upset me.  I get tired of the judgmental looks when I say they're going to daycare.  First of all, I have to work.  I cannot stay home.  Even though daycare will cost $1700 per month (yes, you read that number right) I still make more than that and we have to pay our bills.  What about a nanny, you ask?  After much discussion, we felt daycare would be a more social environment.  We want them to be close with each other and I know they will be, but daycare gives them the opportunity to be with other children, as well.  The location we've selected is wonderful.  For $1700 per month, it better be!  The babies all looked very happy when we visited and they have cameras in the room so I can log in from my desk and see how they are doing.  Lily and Chloe are VERY social girls and love meeting new people.  I want to continue to encourage this.  They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder."  I cannot imagine how much fonder my heart can grow for these children, but think it will be healthy for all of us.  I have a wonderful new job to go to and will be two minutes from the girls.  So, does it make me a bad mom that I am looking forward to going back to work? 

Lily Rose

Sometimes I don't write in this blog because I am too concerned with what I am writing, meaning, I think about something to write and then choose not to write.  One thing I have learned since February is something my dad once told me, you don't have time for foolishness.  Before the girls, I was active in several organizations.  During the past few months, I have truly learned who my true friends are and have been terribly hurt by some since then, but on the other hand, there are some people I have re-connected with after several years that turned out to be true friends all along.  I don't have much time for the things I was previously involved in, and that's okay.  My priorities have changed and I've grown as a person.  As it turns out, the things that hurt me so badly were just foolishness, miscommunication, and people blowing things out of proportion for the sake of keeping drama going.  I have learned to not be so naive and trusting and I am now choosing to surround myself with people who are positive, caring individuals.  I have always been extremely open, trusting, and willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, even at the expense of my own feelings.  I want everyone to be happy and try to fix things so people can all get along.  I have learned that I can't always fix things or make everyone happy.  Call me what you will, but I still care about these people I considered my friends and my heart aches for the loss of their friendship.  I pray weekly for those who have hurt me that they will find peace and happiness in their lives and now realize it's no longer about me.  Lily and Chloe are our two precious gifts and they come first. 

So, how did I get my groove back?

1) I am married to the most patient, caring man who is truly my partner.  He is my rock.

2) We have incredibly supportive friends and family

3) I have learned to organize my time more efficiently

4) We have been attending church regularly as a family.  I believe in the power of prayer.

5) I have learned to love and care about those who have hurt me and am able to move past the pain through prayer for their happiness.

6) I WENT SHOPPING!  Okay, maybe that seems a little strange, but my friends Melissa, Jan, and Abby took me shopping last weekend.  It was the first time I'd really been shopping in months and it was mindless, girly fun.  (I even found a pair of totally impractical candy apple red heels discounted to $8.00-woo hoo!)

Many blessings to all of you who read this blog.  If you are reading this, I consider you my friend.  I keep this blog public because it is my true hope that someone will read it one day and be helped by what they read.  No matter how difficult things get:

"Behind all this, some great happiness is hiding."
— Yehuda Amichai

Much love to all, Nic-



You can't bank sleep..and other useless advice...

It's been so long since I've written anything and part of it is because I am majorly sleep deprived.  One of the dumbest pieces of advice several people gave me before the girls came home was "get your sleep now because when they come home you won't get any."  Really?  Believe me, I still tried it and guess what?  It doesn't matter!  I could have hibernated like a bear for months and would have still been as sleep deprived as I am right now.  I'm not even sure if I am forming words correctly, but at least I am making an attempt to write something.  I anticipate that I have a total of maybe fifteen minutes before someone starts making noises and is ready to eat.

Lily Rose

Chloe Marie

I was also told to get the girls on a schedule as early as possible which also went along with the doctor telling me to let them "feed on demand."  As I have determined, these two bits of advice do not go together.  I have tried to get them on a schedule, really, I have, but the thing is that if you are letting them "feed on demand" and then try to make them eat, you're screwed.  For example, I tried to get Chloe to eat the other night to get her to stay on schedule with Lily.  She ate two ounces and promptly fell asleep.  I tickled her, rubbed her feet, and even jiggled her.  She was perfectly content and refused to take any more.  After that, guess what happened?  She was ready to feed again just about an hour later and then it was another two ounces.  This is leading to my gradual insanity.  What I have found that does work is not making her eat and instead waiting until she is really hungry and feeding her then.  Sure, she's not on the exact same schedule as Lily, but it is better than feeding every single hour.  (and I was wondering why I never get anything done.)



How I am maintaining my sanity is because of my friends and family.  You really find out quickly who your true friends are during a life changing experience such as this one.  Brice and I rarely have time to even go to the grocery store these days.   We were attempting to be "extreme couponers" because we saw the show during a late night feeding and decided that was a good idea.  What it resulted in was a bunch of newspapers and cut coupons lying around all over the place.  Some of our friends saw that we had no food in the refrigerator other than formula and maybe stuff for a few sandwiches and brought us a hot meal from time to time.  I have come to appreciate a hot meal.  I'm not picky.  I'm just so grateful to have it.  Our friends have also done our dishes, watched Lily and Chloe for a few hours so we could take a nap or get a few things done, helped us mow our yard, and have even done our laundry.  Brice's mom has been over here more times than I can count and has done all of the above for us and then some.  I just can't believe that these special people would sacrifice their time and energy to help us out.  We will never be able to repay their kindness, but we will certainly try.

Brice rocking both girls in their bassinets



I was talking to my friend Holly who also adopted recently and we have both had the same unique experience.  We have both walked by a mirror holding a baby and had to stop because we were so amazed that there was actually a baby in our arms.  I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember and there are times that I go in our nursery and look at those two precious babies sleeping there and have tears in my eyes.  I cannot believe the selfless, amazing gift that we received.  Lily and Chloe are now smiling..a lot!  When I go in to pick them up for a feeding, they smile and giggle.  My heart just soars and I forget all the sleepless nights.  Then, it is all worth it.



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Home again, home again...jiggity jig!

Well, Lily is home once again!  This post will not be long, but I wanted to personally thank everyone for their prayers and well wishes.  Although they do not know exactly what the problem is, they are leaning toward it being a problem with Lily's formula.  Last night went well at home and today is going well, too.  We are so very thankful to all of you for joining us on this journey.

Blessings, Nicole

The Importance of Family

In just a few short weeks, our family has become complete as Lily and Chloe have come into our lives.  I have been saying over and over that our family will be complete when Lily comes home.  I realized recently that I was wrong.  Our family is already complete.

We spent Easter with Lily still in the hospital, but made the best of it by dressing her up and taking pictures with her.  Jan and Melissa even gave the girls beautiful Easter baskets.  Even though it wasn't the Easter I pictured in my mind, we still got to enjoy time with our girls.  I think it is all about reframing.  I have learned that often, I have these ideas in my head about the way things "should be" and when they don't work out as planned I am disappointed.  I also miss out on opportunities because I am disappointed.  I am trying to enjoy every minute, no matter where it is.  Below are two pictures we took of the girls this Easter.  They are absolutely precious!

 Chloe

Lily

Lily was released from the hospital last Friday and as you can imagine, we were overjoyed.  It was like a dream come true to have all of us together.  I couldn't wait to put the girls together and take their picture!

Unfortunately, our happiness was short-lived.  Lily got very sick over the weekend.  She slept a lot and then refused to eat.  After that, she began vomiting.  Brice took her to the emergency room and she was then transported back to our original hospital.  It was absolutely heart-breaking.  It hurt to see her in that much pain and it was like our family was ripped apart.  Again, this is all about reframing.  Our family is still very much together.  Yes, this is a huge setback, but feel confident they will determine what the problem is.  I am happy to say she is no longer vomiting and is taking formula again.  We just need to determine how this happened in the first place.  We LOVE our girls and would do anything for them.  As we head toward Mother's Day (my first one) I am appreciative just to be a mother.  My daddy always told me "this too shall pass" and I know in my heart this is true.  It's hard to stay positive when I just want to break down and cry, but the girls need our strength and faith.  I believe we have many more adventures ahead and when I hold them in my arms, I know I am blessed just to be a mom.



Movin on Up!

Yesterday, Lily moved "up" to the 8th floor.  This is a big deal because that is the floor Chloe was on before she went home.  It is the less critical floor.  Lily has her own private room and it is MUCH quieter up there.  On the 7th floor NICU where the more critical babies are, there are approximately eight babies in a "pod." It was a big open room with cribs, isolettes, and "tarmacs" so the nurses could get to the babies quicker in case of distress.  Imagine how loud it was in there...monitors beeping constantly, babies screaming...I seriously don't know how she slept through all of that, but my guess is that she just felt so icky that all she wanted to do is sleep.  This is how Lily looked yesterday in her new room.

I have been accepted as a contributing writer for Yahoo and I think the first story I am going to write is going to be about navigating the NICU.  There is no way you can even imagine what you are up against until you actually experience it.  I've said before, it's like this secret society that nobody wants to join, but when forced to be in the NICU, you bond with other parents who are in there for the sheer fact that they are the only other people in the world who understand your frustration.  I was fortunate to be on 7th with another mom who had twin boys born on the same day as Lily and Chloe.  She also had one home and one at the hospital so we were able to share how we felt about not having the twins home together.  I just can't wait to have Lily and Chloe side by side!  I have two special friends, one from high school and one from college, (Lisa and Laura-this is for you!) who have been sending me messages of support.  Both had twin girls in the NICU and have coached me through this.  I am so very appreciative to them. 

Lily just before feeding a few days ago



Lily just got moved last night and already her doctor has contacted me to let me know how she is doing today.  That was amazing and what's even more amazing is she was assigned the same doctor that Chloe had.  Without naming names, let me tell you, she rocks! I was having a particularly stressful day when both girls were in the hospital so she took me through a private exit door so I could see these beautiful floor to ceiling glass windows that overlooked the zoo.  We could see the giraffes out that day along with other areas.  We were just squealing with delight and other doctors and nurses kept stopping by to look with us.  It was just like being back in elementary school and taking a field trip, if only temporarily.  It is that kind of personal attention from special doctors and nurses that go the extra mile to take care of us that really keeps us sane. 

Chloe is doing amazingly well.  She is growing by leaps and bounds and already weighs 8 lbs 3 oz. and is 21 inches long.  She looks like a healthy newborn baby and has come so far since birth.  I'll leave you with a recent picture of our darling Chloe.  Thank you so much for being a part of our lives. Your support means so much to us!

Practicing Patience

While I originally started writing this blog to keep friends and family informed, it is my sincere hope that someone will read it who is going through a similar situation and will be helped or comforted by it in some way.  When we started the adoption process, we never thought it would play out like this.  Our situation is unusual, but parents who either have children in the NICU currently, or have been through the NICU with a child, will understand what it's like.  It is all about practicing patience.  It seems like we have a different nurse every day.   We have to advocate for Lily, ask questions, request to talk to the doctor, etc.  We rarely receive phone calls.  Instead, we have to call them ourselves.  I get tired of calling up there and hearing a new nurse say, "It's my first day working with her.  She's pretty fussy."  I want to say, "No kidding?!  She's hungry because she can't eat a lot or she will spit up!"  I know that when I'm on a diet and I'm hungry I'm not the easiest person to get along with.  I'm gripy, whiney, etc.  I want people who know my child and understand the situation and it certainly doesn't help me feel any better to know she is hungry or in pain because I'm at home with Chloe and can't help the situation be any better.

Chloe looks in the mirror of her play gym

It's common for twins to go home from the hospital at different times and while I know this time will pass eventually, it's so hard right now.  I can't just go up to the hospital with Chloe and see Lily because Chloe can't get back in.  I am fortunate to have a husband and mother-in-law who are at the hospital pretty much every day.  I see Lily every other day when Brice gets home from work, but the last few times I've been there it's been hard because she is really fussy.  I don't want her to be uncomfortable.  I just want to love her and hug her and tell her everything is going to be all right.

Lily loves to snuggle and be swaddled in blankets

The hardest question we get from people is, "When is she coming home?"  Trust me, if we knew the answer to that question, everyone would know.  It hurts because 1) we want her home with us so badly and 2) we have no answers.  The answer from the hospital is always, "She'll come home when she's ready."  I can promise all of you one thing, when she comes home there will be a big announcement and big celebration!

We are not unique in our struggle.  There are countless families navigating the NICU every day.  I have met so many of them and heard their stories.  It's like this secret society I did not know existed, yet, there is very little support other than just chatting with the other families when they're in there and sharing our experiences.  You have to be strong, have faith, and stay positive and that is difficult sometimes.  I think that's true for anyone going through an extended hospital experience.  While I'm on the subject, I'd like to send a "shout out" to my student Teja who reads this blog.  She is one of the strongest, most brave young women I know and I send her many blessings.

Thank you all for reading and for being a part of our lives....the adventure continues.

Chloe Comes Home

Of course, the day after Lily had surgery Chloe was released to go home.  It was very bittersweet.  We were thrilled to finally get to take one of them home, but it was so hard to leave the other, especially just one day after surgery.  One of the things NICU babies have to go through before they get to go home is the car seat challenge.  They have to sit in the car seat for an hour without freaking out.  She passed.

The first night, I don't think either Brice, I, or our dog Sunnie got any sleep.  Every time she made a noise, one of us would get up.  Sunnie was truly amazing.  I knew she was a great dog, but she sat by the bassinet to protect Chloe.  She still watches over Chloe closely and alerts us any time Chloe does something that makes her worry. 

Finally, Chloe had her first trip to the doctor's office for a check up.  She slept through most of it, but it was exciting for Brice and I.  Now to bring Lily home and start all over again!

Moving Forward

It seems like so long since I've written.  Sometimes it just feels like you're going along fine and life just rips the rug from underneath you.  Lily ended up having to have surgery after all and it was one of the scariest things I have ever been through.  Life in the NICU brings a lot of ups and downs and after Lily had been doing so well, she began spitting up and no longer tolerating her feeds.  They did another upper GI and quickly found a blockage.  The very next morning she went in for surgery.  It all happened so fast.  We had the very best surgeons, but it was still so scary. 

Lily held Brice's finger in her tiny little hand just a few days before surgery.

 My heart was in my throat as the transport nurse prepared Lily to move to the operating room.  I just kept thinking, "Why does she have to go through this?  Why can't I take her place?"

Lily just after surgery.

The surgery took about 1 1/2 hours and what they found when they operated was not what they were expecting.  Her pancreas were wrapped around her duodenum, causing very little food to flow through her intestines.  She recovered quickly and no longer needed pain meds after three days.  I think Lily is one of the strongest young ladies I know and I can't wait to finally bring her home and see her true personality.

Lily just five days after surgery, completely alert and clasping her little hands together.

Having a child go into surgery was one of the scariest things I have ever been through.  When those doors closed behind her and all I could do was sit in the waiting room, all I could do was pray.  And yes, I cried.  I tried really hard to be strong, but I was so exhausted.  In the end, it was such a huge relief to know that the problem was fixed and we could all move forward.  Getting here was just part of the journey.