Auntie Abby and Auntie Melissa meet the girls!

I didn't expect anyone to want to drive four hours total just to meet the girls, but it seems they have a lot of people who can't wait to meet them.  Abby and Melissa drove in and spent some time with both girls.  It was a tough day for me because Lily had to have a GI test to determine whether there was a blockage causing her digestion problems.  I wasn't sure what the test results would be.  She was back on the "tarmac" when we got there so it was easier for the nurses to get to her to do an ultrasound.  She still looked so pretty.

Since Lily needed to rest, Abby got to hold Chloe.  She said she knew how I could just stay in that hospital and hold her all day. 

Next it was Melissa's turn.  Our little "Southern Belle" didn't disappoint, putting her hand up to her face as Melissa held her.  Melissa said she's practicing for when she has a cell phone one day.

While Melissa was in there, we had a bit of a scare with Lily.  Although her test results came back fine, she had another episode of Bradycardia, meaning her heart rate began to drop rapidly.  Since I had seen this before, I remained calm because I knew the nurses and doctor had it under control.  I think it shocked Melissa somewhat.  The doctor just wiggled her, picked her up, and unwrapped her from her blanket and her heart rate went up.  Her recent blood test showed anemia, which is not unusual for preemies, but considering that and the episodes of Bradycardia, our doctor chose to do a blood transfusion.  We hope that will allow Lily, who we call our "delicate flower," to plant her roots and grow strong. 

I have to remain strong for both girls and try to remain calm during these situations, but that doesn't mean it isn't eating me up inside.  It has been so very hard to be away from home, spending more than a full work week at the hospital, and going through the adoption process at the same time.  When I first pictured our adoption, I never thought I'd be spending the first weeks (or even months) in the NICU and in another town.  It gets very lonely at times and I know it's hard for Brice because he's commuting back to Houston at 5:30 a.m., working full time, and commuting back to be at the hospital by 8:00 p.m. to do a feeding with Chloe.  What I want more than anything is just to bring the girls home and begin our lives as a family.  People tell me our lives have already begun together, but it won't feel that way to me until I'm home.  There really is no place like home.

Lily and Chloe meet Grandma and Grandpa Diez/Diaper Time!

Brice's mom and stepdad came to town today to meet their grandchildren.  I think the girls loved meeting them because they were so well-behaved.  Not that they're not well-behaved, but they do have their fussy moments.  Lily just lay there and looked cute while Martine held her. 

In other big news, I have officially changed a diaper.  If you know me, now you're wondering how I avoided changing a diaper all these years.  I have technically changed a diaper, on a pug named Elvito who ran around the house with me chasing him trying to put a diaper on him.  I eventually cornered him and was successful.  If I can change a diaper on a pug, I can change a baby, right?  I was very proud of myself so I told Brice he should try it.  He actually has experience, but not on a preemie.  Here's is Brice doing diaper duty, in an isolette, mind you, which is not an easy feat with all the wires!

I thought I'd show him how it's done so later I changed Lily.  I was trying to tell him that you have to get the diaper ready to quickly move it under her butt when you take away the used diaper.  Not only did Lily pee on me, her sister, Chloe, later shot projectile poop out of her butt which hit me and nearly hit the wall.  I consider myself officially initiated into motherhood.

This one goes out to all the wanna-be rappers at Applebees....

It's Friday night in the "triangle area," we've just spent several hours at the hospital with the girls, and we're hungry.  I have come to determine that there are very few restaurants that stay open late in the area.  I'm not used to this.  In Houston, you can get something good to eat any time of the day or night.  It was around 10:45 p.m. and we went to Chili's.  We waited for fifteen minutes and no one would wait on us.  Waiters kept walking by, the bar was full, yet no one acknowledged our presence even to say that the kitchen was closing down.  I was so tired and hungry by that point that I just wanted to cry, but I had faith in the "triangle area" and my faith was answered in the form of Applebees.  Okay, I never thought I'd utter those words, but wait...there's more.  Applebees was rockin'!  The parking lot was full and I actually told Brice, "this must be the place to be on a Friday night!"  Well, maybe if you're into very loud karaoke that is sung off-key. 

Now, I'm not the best singer in the world, but I'm not going to get up there and belt out "All that Jazz," which some people chose to do.  These people happened to be from a local theatre group that also happened to be putting on a musical.  They were sitting in our section wearing their cast shirts.  Once they started singing, I looked at their table to determine if they had been drinking.  They weren't.  The song just got louder and louder.  It sounded like there were several feral cats in heat in the area.  I couldn't stand it anymore.  I started laughing.  I am not saying this to be a theatre snob.  I thought it was totally cool that they were having such an awesome time at Applebees.  I have been a part of many theatre groups that have been out having an obnoxious cast party.  I looked around and everyone was genuinely having a blast.  The next guy got up there and proclaimed, "This one goes out to all the wanna-be rappers at Applebees!"  I started laughing again...and harder.  This guy had no sense of rhythm at all.  I was laughing so hard I was crying.  At one point, I called Melissa because I knew no one besides Brice would believe me.  She was laughing, too.  I really needed that laugh and that fun time at Applebees.  I hadn't laughed that hard since....well, in a long time.

Aunt Cheryl Comes to Visit

Lily and Chloe had their first visitor yesterday when my mom's best friend, whom I call "Aunt Cheryl" came to visit the girls.  Cheryl has been with me throughout my life, from birth until now, and was a great source of strength and compassion for my mother.  I love her dearly.

We couldn't get into the NICU right away because they had an admit.  Whenever they have a c-section that will have a baby coming into the NICU, they shut down the NICU for a while.  We went to lunch together and went looking for an antique shop, which we never found.  We did find the most FABULOUS baby shop I think I have ever been in.  It's called Posh Baby and it's in Beaumont.  It gave me great hope that there are other fabulous shops in Beaumont that I just haven't discovered yet.

We finally got into the NICU and Cheryl held Lily.  I think she fell in love right on the spot.

Cheryl also brought Lily and Chloe some of the most beautiful baby clothes and blankets I've ever seen along with two pink hats with a big flower and sequins that I can't wait to try on them.  These are going to be two of the best dressed babies in town!  Lily performed beautifully, made cute little noises, and stole Cheryl's heart.  She later showed her dramatic side.

Later that night, we found out our doctor had been preparing for the time when they would be ready to move out of the isolettes and into an open air crib.  It may be a few more days because Lily is having a hard time digesting her formula, but they have already prepared the crib for us and are giving us a private room with double crib for them to snuggle in.  How cool!



I should not watch Supernanny

I haven't discovered much to do in the general "triangle" area of Beaumont, Port Arthur, Nederland, etc.  I spend several hours at the hospital every morning, usually until I am starving, and then leave to get a bite to eat.  I return that evening with Brice and we stay until about 11 p.m.  In my limited off time, I am usually in the hotel trying to get a few minutes of quiet time.  The last two days, I have, instead, attempted to navigate the area.  Did you know there is no Sephora anywhere around this area?  AARRRGGHHH!  There isn't a DSW either.  Where is a girl supposed to buy shoes and makeup?

I gave up and decided to watch television.  I have five channels to choose from and my choices range from a local program (very local,) to Nancy Grace, to Supernanny.  I settle on Supernanny because, hey, I might learn something!  So today's episode happens to be be about adoption.  Great!  This woman has adopted four children from four different countries and her husband is in the military and in Afghanistan.  Children are everywhere, people are screaming, and no one is sleeping.  My mind wanders.  This is only contributing to my feeling of being overwhelmed.  Can I be a good mom, keep twins on a schedule, create a strong family of faith and love?  I used to watch Supernanny as entertainment.  It hit home today.

When I first told people we were adopting twins, I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said, "Wow, your life is going to change."  Some people actually said to me, "Life, as you know it, is over." "Wow, you're really in for it." and even "You're going to have to give up that theatre thing you do."  While I think these were intended as statements of endearment, kind of like a "welcome to this exclusive club of parenthood" sort of thing, they really hurt my feelings.  Perhaps I'm too sensitive, but I thought a lot of the statements were presumptious.  Don't get me wrong, I truly appreciate everyone who has offered to help, babysit, run errands, etc.  I have the dearest friends and family in the world.  I know it's going to be tough and life changing with one, much less two children at the same time, but I think life is what you make of it.  Brice and I will give Lily and Chloe everything they need, encourage their strengths, help them choose the best activities for them (ballet, softball, swimming, etc.) and will love them as our own children.  In my heart, I believe you can maintain your own identity and individualism and still have children.  When you give your entire self to your children, you lose part of you and then nobody wins because you later resent that you did it.  I want us to all maintain our individuality and strengths, while still creating the family we've always dreamed of.  I believe we can do it.

Mixed Emotions

On Tuesday, February 15, our birthmother signed her relinquishment papers and Brice and I signed to accept the girls as our own.  I thought that I would feel overwhelmed with joy and excitement when this day came, but I couldn't stop thinking about our birthmother and what she must be going through.  It still amazes me that someone could be that selfless and giving to choose adoption for her children.  I hold these little girls and they are angels to me.  Sometimes I even wonder what I did to deserve this incredible gift.

Earlier that day, we were in the NICU holding the girls and I knew the adoption agency representative was coming to do the relinquishment.  I was holding this precious baby and my heart was absolutely pounding.  Hours went by and I hadn't heard anything.  Of course, my mind is thinking that our birthmother has changed her mind, we've just wasted all this time uprooting our lives to another city and putting our hearts out there.  When I heard it was done and it was time for our signing, I was so relieved.  I never thought I'd love anyone as much as I love these two little girls.

When we returned to the NICU later that day, the nursing staff had a surprise for us.  They had dressed up the girls for Valentine's Day and done a photo session with them.  Below is one of the pictures they gave us:

The nurses said that not long after this precious picture was taken, one sister tried to bite the other one. 

Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of. You know whatever you do, they'll still be there.
-- Amy Li

Valentine's Day and We're in Love!

If you have to be in the hospital on a holiday, it might as well be fun.  We brought the nursing staff and doctor a basket of chocolates to thank them for all they have done for the girls.  We brought the girls each a rosary and stuffed animal for their isolette.  Of course one of them had to have a Hello Kitty in there! 

We also got the news that they would be taken off their oxygen and were breathing on their own and got to hold them for a few hours in the evening....best Valentine's present ever!  We have begun to see their personalities emerge.  Lily seems to be crankier than her sister and wiggles a lot.  Chloe settles in quickly and looks like a little doll when she's asleep.  The hot pink hat that a hospital volunteer knitted for Lily fit her personality perfectly.  Chloe, of course, got the soft pink one.

We also went to Babies R Us to work on our registry.  That place not only scares the hell out of me, it overwhelmes me, as well.  I registered online at Babies R Us, Target, Restoration Hardware Baby, and Pottery Barn Baby.  I did it online because I was too overwhelmed to go in the stores.  Really, I probably would have done much better registering at Home Depot.  I am much more familiar with that stuff because my dad rocks and taught his little girl to know her way around a hardware store. 

Did you know there is more than one type of a nipple?  (That's what she said-you're welcome Sam, Ryan, Rod, and Tony.)  No really, there is.  There is also more than one type of bottle.  I registered haphazardly for whatever the store said I "had to have."  When we went over to Babies R Us, I realized how random our registry is right now and promptly turned over registry duties to Brice.  He can put it all in a spreadsheet and make it look pretty.  I just like the feel of the scanning gun in my hands.  It makes me feel empowered.

I love these girls so much that I don't want to put them down, but we finally did around 11:30 p.m. to let them get some sleep.  We went back to our hotel and cooked French bread pizza in the toaster oven we snuck into our room.  I promptly dropped my pizza on the floor, but followed the 3 second rule, so it was all good.  Pizza, champagne, and two snuggly little girls makes for the perfect Valentine's Day!

A Breath of Fresh Air!

Sunday brought great news.  Both girls were breathing on their own so they were no longer intibated and we could touch them again...woo hoo!  Chloe even started sucking on a pacifier.  They still had their central lines in, but since they were not sedated, they began opening their eyes and really responding. 

 Pretty Chloe

Lily gets her "tanning blanket"

In another new development, the girls got "tanning blankets" which are technically referred to as bilirubin blankets to help with jaundice.  It is just like getting direct exposure to the sun.  The jaundice is minimal, but it will also help to keep it at bay.

Our birthmom got discharged from the hospital today.  I think she is one of the most courageous women I have ever met because she chose adoption for her two little girls.  I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been to go home and leave those sweet babies in the NICU.  I truly hope she knows that Brice and I will love them as if they were our natural children and that they will always know how much she loved them.  She wrote them a very special letter which we will share with them when they are older.

We took CPR clases today.  I had a bit of a panic attack when I couldn't find the baby's mouth to blow a breath in.  That's just sad.  I am happy to say I was able to locate the mouth on the baby and give appropriate breaths and chest compressions.  Brice, of course, did it perfectly the first time.

Finally we got to go back and see the girls and they were alert and ready to see us.  We also got more good news that they were doing so well that they might no longer have their belly line in and be moved to their "big girl" incubator beds.  Brice and I have started singing to them.  He sings lullabys.  The only thing I could come up with was a song from an Italian operetta or songs from the musical Titanic.  I need to add some new songs to my repertoire.

Below are some pictures of Lily and Chloe on Sunday evening.  They absolutely look like little dolls!

 Lily squints in the light

 Chloe says "Hello World"

 Chloe sucking on a pacifier

Lily loves to hold hands

Sweet Lily looking at me and squeezing my finger

Al Bundy and the Southern Belle

Saturday began the way Friday ended.  I hate the term, "took a turn for the worse," but I had to hear it anyway when we showed up to see the girls and our birthmom and the NICU nurse told me Chloe "took a turn for the worse" and had to be intibated and sedated too.  Now we couldn't touch either of them.  We spent some time just staring at them and praying for them.  At this point, I'm not crying because I'm too tired to cry.  I can't sleep, I'm not eating much and when I am, it's random, and I am worrying a lot.  I need to have faith.  Brice says that the most important time to have faith is in the face of adversity.  We pray in the chapel at the church and I feel better.  We visit our birthmom and her boyfriend and help wheel her down to see the girls.  She keeps saying, "they're so beautiful."  I tell her they are beautiful just like her.

My friend Carol who adopted a year ago gave me a really neat idea.  I gave our birthmother a charm bracelet from James Avery with a "two hearts" charm on it to represent the twins.  I told her I plan to add to it each year on their birthday so she will have something that represents their life that year.  She loved it.

Later that evening we meet with our wonderful doctor who explains the situation to us.  The girls have PDA (patent ductus arteriosus) which means there is a blood vessel near their heart that has not closed.  In this case it makes it more difficult for the babies to recover from complications like respiratory distress syndrome, which they are also experiencing.  In infants who are not preemies, this vessel closes before they are born.  They were treated with medicine to help close the vessel and remained on the IV feeding, intibation, sedation, and minimal stimulation.  They're still on the "tarmac" which is what they call the bed the girls are in.  It's basically an open, raised bed so the nurses and doctor can get to them quickly in times of distress.

Chloe on the "tarmac"

I get to touch Chloe's head.  Dr. Anna says it's good for "touch therapy."

So amidst the drama, a bit of comedy emerges in the form of Lily and Chloe's personalities.  I hear our nurse say, "We've got a Kodak moment over here!"  I go to look at Lily in the next bed and she's got her hand down her diaper.  My mother would not think that was very ladylike!  The nurse refers to her as "Al Bundy" from Married with Children.

Lily AKA "Al Bundy"

(All we need now is for her to burp and say, "That's what she said.")

Chloe, on the other hand, is the southern belle.  She is always posing with her little hands crossed across her chest or up by her forehead. 

Chloe AKA "Southern Belle"

I can't wait to see their personalities emerge!

Mixed Emotions

With adoption comes mixed emotions.  When we heard the girls were being born, we literally dropped everything and drove two hours away to be with the girls and our birthmother.  We are so very fortunate that we have so many friends and family who said, "Go do what you've got to do, we'll handle everything here."  When I got the call, the maids were still cleaning the house and Melissa and Kerry came over to help me think through what had to happen.  What to do with Sunnie, how to get Brice home from his job in downtown Houston, etc. etc.  I gave Kerry a key to my house so her son could housesit.  I talked things through with Melissa about what needed to be done right then because I couldn't think straight.  She beaded while I paced back and forth and tried to talk to the maid in Spanish to explain she needed to finish up quickly.  I excitedly showed her the ultrasound, said "hospital," and made a gesture to show a pregnant tummy.  She looked at me like I was crazy, but finished up anyway and off we went.

After the craziness of that day, I hoped things would settle down.  I was wrong.  It was just beginning.  On Friday after the girls were born, we went up to see how our birthmother was doing and see the girls.  Lily and Chloe were still hooked up to a lot of tubes and lines, but seemed to be doing well.  Back in our birthmom's room, family and friends were arriving.  Some looked at us like we were outsiders, some embraced us, and some even cried and said, "thank God for you."  It was a very emotional day, to say the least.  Our birthmother was also getting pressure from some family members to keep the girls.  We felt like they were saying, "okay, these people are nice, but we'll help you keep the girls."  That's a lot of pressure.  She's already exhausted and in pain from the c-section, the girls are in NICU, we've dropped everything to be there, and here are these people saying, "Don't do it."  It was just too much.  I broke down that night.  I wanted so badly to be a mom to these girls and take care of whatever they need.  The pressure was just too much.  I know our birthmother was feeling the same way.  I had this romantic notion in my mind what my adoption would look like-girls were born, birthmom signs a relinquishment, girls go home with us to live happily ever after and we would keep in touch with her through cards, letters, etc.  What I was seeing was messy, emotional, and exhausting. 

That night, Lily had to be intibated and sedated because she was having difficulty breathing on her own.  Because she was in that condition, we could no longer touch her as she required only "minimal stimulation."  I just wanted to hold her hand, touch her head, and tell her it was going to be all right.  It was just too much.  I broke down again.

How did we get here?

Did you ever hear about a little thing called fate?  One week ago, we met our birthmother and her boyfriend  for lunch in Port Arthur.  We were so nervous and I think they were, too, but after about five minutes, it felt like we'd known each other for years.  There were too many coincidences-similar names, personality types, likes, dislikes, you get the picture.  After a few hours talking and laughing, Brice and I left and we were so excited that Brice drove us to Louisiana instead of back to Houston.  After several years of praying for children of our own, we were thrilled about this opportunity to be parents to not one, but two precious girls who were due April 5.  We had plenty of time to prepare...right?

 Lily Rose

Chloe Marie

On Thursday, February 10, Lily Rose and Chloe Marie were born by C-Section.  They were 7 weeks early.  Lily weighed 3 lbs 14 oz and was 16 inches long and her sister Chloe weighed 4 lbs 8 oz and was 17 inches long.  Because they were preemies, they had to receive support to help their lungs develop properly as well as an IV to feed them.  Seeing them hooked up to lines like that absolutely broke my heart.  They looked so helpless and it was so hard because there was nothing we could do to help them, except pray.