Mixed Emotions

With adoption comes mixed emotions.  When we heard the girls were being born, we literally dropped everything and drove two hours away to be with the girls and our birthmother.  We are so very fortunate that we have so many friends and family who said, "Go do what you've got to do, we'll handle everything here."  When I got the call, the maids were still cleaning the house and Melissa and Kerry came over to help me think through what had to happen.  What to do with Sunnie, how to get Brice home from his job in downtown Houston, etc. etc.  I gave Kerry a key to my house so her son could housesit.  I talked things through with Melissa about what needed to be done right then because I couldn't think straight.  She beaded while I paced back and forth and tried to talk to the maid in Spanish to explain she needed to finish up quickly.  I excitedly showed her the ultrasound, said "hospital," and made a gesture to show a pregnant tummy.  She looked at me like I was crazy, but finished up anyway and off we went.

After the craziness of that day, I hoped things would settle down.  I was wrong.  It was just beginning.  On Friday after the girls were born, we went up to see how our birthmother was doing and see the girls.  Lily and Chloe were still hooked up to a lot of tubes and lines, but seemed to be doing well.  Back in our birthmom's room, family and friends were arriving.  Some looked at us like we were outsiders, some embraced us, and some even cried and said, "thank God for you."  It was a very emotional day, to say the least.  Our birthmother was also getting pressure from some family members to keep the girls.  We felt like they were saying, "okay, these people are nice, but we'll help you keep the girls."  That's a lot of pressure.  She's already exhausted and in pain from the c-section, the girls are in NICU, we've dropped everything to be there, and here are these people saying, "Don't do it."  It was just too much.  I broke down that night.  I wanted so badly to be a mom to these girls and take care of whatever they need.  The pressure was just too much.  I know our birthmother was feeling the same way.  I had this romantic notion in my mind what my adoption would look like-girls were born, birthmom signs a relinquishment, girls go home with us to live happily ever after and we would keep in touch with her through cards, letters, etc.  What I was seeing was messy, emotional, and exhausting. 

That night, Lily had to be intibated and sedated because she was having difficulty breathing on her own.  Because she was in that condition, we could no longer touch her as she required only "minimal stimulation."  I just wanted to hold her hand, touch her head, and tell her it was going to be all right.  It was just too much.  I broke down again.